Great article in Psychology Today on the subject since parent blaming has become a national past time. Article written by F. Diane Barth.
Of course it's our fault that our children are the way they are! It is was our parents' fault how we turned out and on and on...
I hate the blame game? What about you?
Almost every parent with a special needs or learning disabled child says that she never thought parenting would be this difficult or that her child would be so intense and challenging (both mentally and physically).
Let's face it. We all had "a different dream" for our child.
Today I came across a website that hits to the heart of the matter. The site is called Different Dream by Jolene Philo.
Jolene's journey begins with a chronically ill child. Throughout her website she offers encouragement, faith, and even practical applications like meal planning (which must occur between doctor and hospital visits).
While I am not one to ask myself "Why did God let this happen to our child?" I have found Jolene's advice resourceful and inspiration. One of my favorite recent posts is Make Family Occasions Fun for Special Needs Kids.
Thank you Jolene for sharing your journey with us!
Has this every happened to you? You feel stuck over the agreement you and your daughter made about cleaning up her messy room.
Here's an alternative way of approaching this situation. Try on this new, creative way to get un-stuck.
I talk about my concerns, listen to my daughter's concerns and together come to an agreement we both can live with.
Matching your words and actions can make all the difference between an argument and an agreement. Which would you rather have? The later scenario may take more time, but when you model problem solving rather than emotional reactivity you are giving your child a gift she can model herself.
We asked this question of Annie Fox, respected educator, award-winning author, and trusted online adviser.
In Annie's response she reminded us of this simple fact:
The ultimate "stuckness" is refusing to accept that your kids are growing up.
For more of Annie's ideas on becoming "unstuck," read Annie's blog entry They're growing up! on her site. A good reminder whether we are dealing with challenging children or more mainstream kids.
Annie is the author of Too Stressed to Think? A Teen Guide to Staying Sane When Life Makes You CRAZY and the Middle School Confidential series.Visit Annie's blog for other gems to live by. You will find her at From the desk of Annie Fox.
How do I know when I am "stuck" in my parenting?
Answer from Mary:
Remember the old saying, "Insanity is repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results?"
If your actions are beginning to feel like reruns from a bad sitcom and you are not getting the results you want, you may very well be stuck in a spin cycle and it is time to try something new.
If your stomach is tied in knots and you are going around and around to no avail, you've realized that you are stuck. Stop, take a breath, and think before reacting.
"I realize I'm stuck in my parenting when I feel I must always be right."
Parenting is a role that requires us to learn to be flexible in our thinking and creative in our actions. Wanting to be right all the time implies that we are rigid and reactive and probably fearful. This can be a typical stress response when we are under pressure, but you have to admit, not a very productive one.
How do you know when you are "stuck?" Remember the old saying, "Insanity is repeating the same action over and over again and expecting different results?" If your actions are beginning to feel like reruns from a bad sitcom and you are not getting the results you want, you may very well be stuck in a spin cycle and it is time to try something new. If your stomach is tied in knots and you are going around and around to no avail, you've realized that you are stuck. Stop, take a breath, and think before reacting.
OMG - I can't believe it - an IEP app for iPhones. Imagine feeling empowered during the stressful atmosphere of an IEP meeting. Read Terry Mauro's review at About.com Special Needs Children.
Sign up to receive the upcoming Twelve Step Parenting Process Newsletter from A Wild Ride authors Mary Scribner and Elizabeth Coplan. Go to the A Wild Ride Newsletter to register.
Hope to share even more A Wild Ride strategies and ideas with you!
This year on A WILD RIDE we will focus on a parenting "recovery" theme. What does recovery have to do with parenting challenging children? Everything. Think about how many times a week you mentally beat your-self up or harshly judge your actions as inadequate and ineffective. Too many to count?
If you are frequently focusing on your shortcomings as a parent rather than your strengths it's time to turn that equation around and gain a new, healthy, realistic perspective. This is the year to rid our selves of those deadly unrealistic expectations and instead honor our capacity to grow and develop through our issues arising from our mothering experiences.
Each month we will concentrate on an assumption, idea, or concept for you to reflect on. We offer strategies for you to ponder and try on.
Above all else, we want to support you in finding your own way through the support of others who also are learning to appreciate and manage their humanness through the marathon of mothering.
When feeling frustrated and angry do you quickly flare & criticize or become overly harsh and punitive (to yourself or your children)? Do you sometimes feel so overwhelmed and drained that you avoid conflict? Do you feel your situation is out of control?
Join us as we support you while taking an in-depth look at our unique 12 step parenting process.
Discover wisdom, laughter and opportunities to improve your relationship with your children.
By the time a woman realizes that maybe her mother was right, she usually has a child who thinks she's wrong.
For some good strategies for dealing with children who regularly exhibit explosive outbursts or constant chattering, check out Cathy Knoll's website FAQautism and listen to her well-done podcasts. Her latest piece titled Noisy Kids 1 is one of her best.
Read Kay Whittenhauer's artilce Famous People with ADD/ADHD. Kay reminds us that people diagnosed with ADD are often "creative, artistic, intuitive, empathetic, visionary, inventive, sensitive, original, loving, exuberant." She also lists many actors, artists, athletes and business people who are highly successful with ADD/ADHD.
One surprise on the list: Steven Spielberg. But now that I think about it. It makes sense.
Any success stories you would like to share? Send them to me at elizabeth@awildride.net.
In the New York TImes:
New air travel restrictions are taking a toll on parents with small children. Any thoughts on how to keep youngsters calm and entertained under the circumstances?
Thoughts from Mary: These new airline restrictions are going to make traveling with a toddler or preschooler very difficult indeed. How can a parent be expected to reason with a young child who cannot grok why she must remain still during the last hour of a flight or why she is not permitted to go to the bathroom when her needs are urgent? Do you bring a diaper and a plastic bag and persuade her to pee in her seat?
Yikes! Can't you just hear all of the screaming and wailing? And can you blame her? What's a parent to do? Travel or not travel? One might consider staying closer to home and traveling by car or train until there are more definite rules and regulations worked out. Then reconsider if your trip is worth the stress you may be subjecting yourself and your child to.
Surround yourself with the light and love of our support and understanding as we enter 2010 together.
~Mary Scribner & Elizabeth Coplan
Rather than competitive group activities-like card or board games-seek out calming and cooperative things to do.
If you plan to cook a holiday dinner for your extended family, arrange for one of your child's favorite relatives to "buddy" with her while you're busy.
From Helping kids with AD/HD behave during the holidays on greatschools.net.
Set a schedule and display it where the entire family can see it. Include details like who else will be in attendance and whether travel will be involved. This should help eliminate the anxiety that can surround unexpected events. You may also want to schedule family time at home and pick a relaxing activity to do together, such as playing a board game, watching a favorite holiday video, or making cookies.
Answered by the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA).
Help relatives understand and work with your child. Briefly explain to them what techniques work and what situations to avoid.
